Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I super glued my finger tip

What a day today has been. I am currently curled up on top of my cinder block suspended, twin bed in my Indian tribal t-shirt that strongly and permanently smells of thrifting... trying to make sense of my day... which in essence is about to determine my life for the next year.

Due to extenuating circumstances, I have been suspended from school for a semester. Mind you.. I go to an extremely strict university named BYU... where rules are not rules in real life. (Example... we have a curfew of 12'oclock). 'Nough said. Technically I suppose I shouldn't blog about such a topic... but for some reason, writing and sharing sounds appealing right now. In effort to leave the monotonous details out... I will simply say that I chose to break a rule that I felt was not of importance at the time, due to the situation at hand. Sometimes it's simply about the bigger picture... and not the nit-picky ideals of pleasant-ville that so many seem to inhabit. I feel that my heart was in the right place, as I sincerely felt I was doing it on behalf of helping someone I cared about. Either way.. I will learn from this experience... and it will make me a better, and stronger person. Needless to say... today has been a long, long, long, marathon of a day.

I can think of nothing more appealing than laying by the side of my pool in Texas, next to my big Labrador puppy named Zeus, who will undoubtedly be trying to sit on my lap... (even though he's 50 lbs.).. as my southern bell of a mother water's the plants and offers me lemonade. This semester has rung me out and hung me up to dry. I am so tired that my contacts are blurring... yet I can't even begin to sleep. First... because I have to study for finals... but mostly because I can't calm the ravenous thoughts in my head.

There's so many things I am craving to do right now. I want nothing more than to run and run and run through a perfectly green field of long grass...until I can no longer stand up... then give in to my exhausted legs and lay beneath the sun until my thoughts are completely at peace. I want to lay completely still, underneath the water and listen to my heart beating slowly and steadily... all along cherishing that perfect organ for being such a steady and trustworthy part of my life. I want to go home to Texas to meet the newest Cooper cousin to be born.. and hold his sweet, warm, newborn body upon my chest as he sleeps.. because nothing in this world is more beautiful and hope provoking than a perfect new born baby. I want to drive in my car for miles and miles and miles while listening to extremely thought and emotion provoking music like the o' so cliche 'Hallelujah' by Leonard Cohen... all while singing at the top of my lungs without consideration of anything around me. I want to read every book on my 'books Ive been meaning to read' list until I can no longer remember who wrote what. I want to jump in the car at the spur of the moment,with my childhood best friend Liz, and drive to Dallas to eat Thai food and talk about everything and anything that has happened in the past fifteen years of our friendship. I want to hug my Dad and feel his big, strong, protective arms around me... and pretend... just for a second that he knows everything, and that nothing will ever hurt me again.

How is it that the very brain that is harboring all sorts of mental turmoil and distressing thoughts inside of it, is the exact same brain that so generously allows a blessed escape into my to-do list of imaginary bliss when I so desperately need it most? This very idea of something so bitter and yet so sweet completely depicts so many things in life. You cannot truly understand people until you've been where they are at in the playing field of life. You can not truly understand pain until you've felt it, and the opposing joy to contradict it. You can not truly hate unless you have once loved. You can not be considered a complete failure and disappointment unless there was at one point the opportunity for you to be something great. There truly is opposition in all things.

It's getting late, and my art history book is staring at me. I think he wants me to study him or something. Here are a few of my very discombobulated thoughts. Enjoy. Sweet dreams little reader heads.

1 comment:

  1. I hope that everything works out for the best. You seem to be handling it better than I would have. Best wishes.